The sequel, "Secrets" (which is arguably much better), can be found on my FF.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/~kakkujapojat
We all chase after things beyond our reach. Things that we believe will lead to true happiness. We try to satisfy our needs and desires, believing that by doing so we'll feel complete. Mello wished to be better than Near; he sought to control and dominate him. He drowned his frustrations in Matt, hoping to keep himself sane by doing so. Mello kept pushing Matt away, because he didn't want to get hurt. Mello was afraid that if he didn't have completely control over Matt, then Matt would leave him. He thought it better to keep Matt under tight reings. Matt only wanted to be with Mello, and so therefore allowed Mello to use him for this very reason. He didn't care about his own wants and desires, as long as Mello was happy. I, Kaori, only wanted to find the love that I craved. The very thing my father never gave me. He only used me as an outlet, the same way Mello used Matt. I only desired to feel that love from someone. I sought out control, and someone who would make me feel loved; I slept with two different people just to try and find this. But truth is, sex means nothing to me. I could never hope to find love that way. I only wanted to know what real love was. I only wanted to have a say in who touched my body in such a way...I wanted to have control over my own body. And Near gave me both the control, and the love I had craved. When he rejected me for sex, I felt worthless, but I soon realized that he loved me just enough to never give me that. After all, that would only worsen things.
We're all lost in our own selfishness and confusion. We all hope. We all want. We all hate. When we feel frustrated, we take it out on others. We're all afraid. We're all lonely, and are just searching for ourselves, trying to find what will truly make us happy. But is there really such a thing as true happiness for us in this world? I think all we really want is a place to belong. We're so lost...just lost.... We cling to other people in hopes that they will satisfy us. We seek what we crave, and act on impulses. That is our downfall.
Mello became lost the day he tried to take control over Near; that was the breaking point of his sanity. All he ever wanted was to be accepted by Near, to be seen as equal. Blinded by his hatred, Mello couldn't see what was right in front of him; that Near accepted him all along. Mello was so confused, and only wanted to prove himself. His obsession drove him to madness.
But Mello became a shell of his former self after the accident. He no longer lived for the sole purpose of outdoing Near. I think he finally realized what he had really wanted all along wasn't sovereignty over Near, but simply to be accepted by him...the way he never was accepted by his father.
After I left, Matt continued being a loyal dog to Mello, obeying his every wish and command, and allowing him to release his frustrations when needed. The only difference was that Mello no longer took advantage of Matt's love for him. Mello no longer tried to control Matt. They both found trust in each other, and Mello finally let Matt off of his tight leash.
As for Near, he's the same as always. I'm not sure if he was ever lost. He and Mello became friends a few weeks after the accident, and they agreed that the hatred between them was pointless. They've both come to an equal understanding. But since the accident, Near has been more lively than usual. He's actually starting to fit in more around the orphanage. He seems happier, and I can tell that it's because of Mello. The boys no longer pick on him, or resent the fact that he's smart.
And me? After my fifteenth birthday, L officially adopted me as his own. I moved in with him a few days after. I still go back to the orphanage and visit. Near with take over L´s title when he dies. In the meantime, Near is finishing his last year at the orphanage – after which, he'll move in with me. It was a large place, and L agreed that it would be a good idea since he'd be away on cases quite a bit.
We asked Matt to live there too, but he declined, saying that he was going back to Germany for a while. I knew why he was doing it; he had lived with that burden for his entire life. I think going back will be good for him. Mello is going with him, to reconcile with his parents and face what he ran away from all those years ago. And when they both return, there's still a spot waiting for them.
L never mentioned my parents' murder again; I guess he knew that it was me, but he didn't arrest me. I don't know if it was because he felt sorry for me, or not; I can't say for sure what the reason was. My parents' case was closed, with the notion that the killer had been too good. But I'm sure everyone at the police knew the real reason.
All of us, so lost before, have finally found our place in this world. And I think that we've all found happiness in some form. What we were searching for all along...we've finally found.
-End of chapter 27-
-End of Obsession-